“Failure! Another statistic! What now?” These are some of the thoughts that ran through my head when I first received my divorce papers. It was a tough seven-year experience (especially since I knew the marriage was in trouble in the third month). I never expected it to be perfect. I knew we’d have disagreements but I seriously thought we’d be able to discuss those disagreements amicably. He on the other hand thought everything was going to be “just peachy”…no seriously…he really did. That’s when I KNEW I was in trouble. We were young but we were Christians and we both swore we didn’t believe in Divorce. I mean with GOD in the middle there was no way we could fail, right? Well, seven long, painful, and weary years brought me to a very different conclusion…I learned what’s truly in your heart WILL come out. Broken and bruised, I had to admit that there was nothing left in me…. I was all out of “try”. And now I faced a greater fear than “What will people think?” Instead, it was now the harsh reality that if things continued to spiral downhill in the marriage someone was definitely headed for the cemetery and someone was headed for prison.
During the separation and divorce process it was brutal remaining at my former church. The LORD did not release me to go anywhere else and I didn’t get to sit down from my ministry responsibilities. I will never ever forget the experience of some of the “Saints” praying “on” me under the guise of praying “for” me. The pain of having people who are supposed to help bear burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ lying and speaking all manner of judgment on me because I was thought to be in a place of rebellion when in actuality I was struggling not to lose my mind given the things I was going through tore me up. And then there were those Saints who pretended to care and be concerned for me but in actuality all they wanted was the inside scoop so they could go and gossip about me. I felt BRANDED…literally. But “thanks be unto GOD who gives us the victory through Jesus Christ our LORD.” There were a handful of real saints (men and women) who were friends that fellowshipped with me and never judged me nor talked about me. Instead they literally fellowshipped me back to a healthy place in my life. My daily prayer and mantra became “Focus on becoming BETTER NOT BITTER”.
At first, the idea of starting over was about the weight being lifted off me as I learned to relax and breathe after years and years of intense stress. But shortly thereafter it became all about embracing the opportunity to find ME. Taking the time to do this gave me what I needed to really KNOW myself. And one painful reality I discovered and had to come to grips with during this process that I’m still struggling with is the fact that I have never been IN love. Yes, I’ve had boyfriends and was married but the reality is that I’d never had a good relationship between a man and a woman modeled before me so I kept a wall around me that was fortified every time I experienced a wound. I’ve come a long way and have since been blessed to see healthy and right relationships between men and women. Yet it’s still hard for me not to put the wall up sometimes. But, my desire to be better and not bitter helps. Plus, the joy of being able to know me and what I really want in life blesses and inspires me to give my all to pursuing the life I want to live.
So now years later, as I look at my life after receiving my sentence of “Divorced”, Life is great and I’m loving it but I will admit it’s not always easy….on the good days I’m fine and I’m doing my thing. But on the tough days I will confess that I do have some longings for the strong arms to hold me and the shoulder to lay my head on at least for a minute…LOL. I’ve learned so much about what to do and what not to do that I want the opportunity to try again but at the same time I’ve come to a place where I’m content in just sharing what I can with those who are already in my life….great friends and family.
So tell me, have you ever been labeled or branded? How did you handle it?
Recovering From Scarlet Letter “D”
